Well, I owe you all some explanations as to my absences.
As per my previous journal, I had moved to California in July of 2011. I maintained my home there until my roommate bailed on me in December of 2011, with our lease expiring in January 2012. I could not maintain the one bedroom apartment by myself and could not find a suitable roommate or living place, so I was forced to move back to Illinois. That move was absolutely heart breaking. I have never felt more truly at home anywhere than when I lived in Sacramento. I am devastated and will be saving up for a couple years until I can move back and sustain myself alone. On the way TO California, I lost my first tarantula, Charlie
. He passed away due to the extreme desert heat (100+ degrees) in Nevada. I had since picked up a small yellow scorpion so I managed to focus on him to help ease my loss of Charlie. His name is Rocky
. If you can ID him that would be great. I have some ideas but not 100%. This part is particularly hard for me to share and maybe hard for you, also, to read. I apologize, but I'm not looking for any sympathy. I'm merely trying to cope and find a way to help ease some of the burden.
I've been advised not to share this with people, but I cannot handle this alone. It helps me to talk about it a little at a time, so that's what I'll do.
After my roommate bailed on me, I had no one. I was 21, in a new city, by myself, so I made friends with a coworker. Not even a month after I had friended him, he forced himself on me while we were at my apartment. I discussed it with authorities, but there was nothing I could do because of the circumstances that went down. That was November 8th. December 4th I found out that I was pregnant. I couldn't afford birth control at the time it happened, and was unaware of any planned parenthood clinics for free birth control, not thinking I would need any. Needless to say he didn't stop to think to use protection himself. So I had 3 options. I could end the pregnancy, keep the child, or put it up for adoption. After a week of thinking it over and discussing it with my parents (who I had to move back in with in Illinois because my roommate bailed), I chose the first option. I know many of you out there will be against that, and I understand why. I am not happy with my choice. In reality, none of my choices would've been alright with me. I could have it, and possibly end up resenting my child because of the circumstances, I could give it up for adoption and always wonder and worry about whether or not it's being loved and taken care of, or I could end something... something that I felt differently about after being thrown into the situation. I have always been pro-choice, only for victims of rape, or people who would either be seriously injured or their child be injured in birth. I'm very much against late-term abortion, and cannot stand it being used as a method for birth control. I always felt it was only a mass of cells, not fully a human until organs/limbs were developed. But it's easy to feel a certain way standing on the sidelines. After it happened, it was a whole different story. I changed my views. While I'm still pro-choice, I won't go into detail on my views, as your views are yours and I respect them as I hope you respect mine. Bottom line is, I did something I deeply regret, and I don't need any scolding to know what I did wrong. Four days before Christmas, I was no longer carrying. And it was the single most excruciating, heartbreaking feeling I've ever felt in my entire life. If ever anyone has ever wondered what that's like, feel free to message me and I will be straightforward and honest in my description. I will never, ever forget that day. I feel I could write a book on this whole experience and help people, but I could never afford that.
After Christmas, my father and brother drove to California and helped me move back to Illinois. I am so incredibly lucky to have such a family as I do, and I often take them for granted, but everything I've been through in the previous 10 years I would never have survived if not for them. I constantly hear their words, like my mothers in that I should not share what happened to me, and I constantly disregard them, as I have now. On the way home from California, I lost my second tarantula, Sieben
to the extreme cold of Wyoming (-14 degrees). That was the hardest drive home. Miraculously, Rocky survived. My brother was extremely supportive throughout all of the drive home.
Since I've been home as of January 13th, I have picked up my old job and will be continuing that for as long as I can. I will be finishing my last semester for my associates in biology next semester. My 4 impacted wisdom teeth are coming out on Friday, March 2nd so I will be trying to upload some pictures in my rehab time.
I really appreciate everyone's patience in all of this. I do have some fantastic pictures that I'm excited to upload, and hopefully it will be a new start for me to pick up the pieces of my life. I thank all of you for hanging around and leaving me lurking on your watch list.
One final announcement, I have begun sculpting small dragons. They are small enough to fit on a dime, and I'm working on a name for them. The first one I made you can see here: [link]
If you would like one, I think I'd like to sell them for $5, shipping in the US included. These are the ones I've made so far. [link]
4, 5 and 7 are taken. I can custom color the others, 2 colors only, or I can make a new one with a new pose if you'd like. Any questions on the existing designs, feel free to ask. I have a poll going to create a name for them, if any of you care to throw in a vote here > [link]